I want to tell Paul that I feel weird about scattering Mum's ashes. There's a part of me that doesn't want to do it. I think of Mum as more real now, more real than when she was alive, and I'm not sure I'm ready to let that go. I say things to the ashes that I could never have said to her when she was actually here, living and breathing. I tell her that I'm sorry for the red ink, for hating her, for not listening to The Story. I tell her I'm sorry for not being at home when the police came to tell me she was dead. Mum used to say that people's spirits carry on doing things after their body has gone. She would have gone home after the accident to tell me what had happened and I wasn't there. I have a lot to make up for.