I have never been the most graceful of creatures. I trip over loose match sticks, invisible bumps, cross words. I am especially prone to arse-over-heel activity when under family pressure. It was therefore inevitable that I would get up from the table, bang my thigh hard against it, recoil into the kitchen chair I had just vacated and keel over onto the floor. I was wearing a floral print skirt which reached to mid-shin when left to its job, but now shrouded my waist revealing plenty of knickered buttock. I was also on all fours, which was not an elegant pose.