Laugh your pants off
Nectar
Lily Prior
Ramona is an ugly, albino chambermaid who has an aroma which makes her irresistable to men. She uses this gift lightly thinking it will never go away. Sexy, utterly frivolous and very funny.
Extract
They came, not only from the estate, but also from the surrounding hills and sometimes even beyond. From the plains to the northeast and the west, and from the towns of Dragoni, Teano, Carinola and Mondragone. The admirers came from all walks of life, and it is fair to say that as word of her charms spread and her popularity increased, Ramona grew cold towards the field labourers with whom, in the early days, she had been content to satisfy her urges in the hayricks and beneath the hedgerows. 'What, Stiliano Mamiliano, are you here again? Do you think I will do it with you after the last time? Why the acorn that you feed to your pigs is a bigger prize than that which hangs between your legs.' Deflated, Stiliano's head disappeared into the foliage, only to be replaced by that of his younger brother, Ludovico, fresh-faced and blushing. 'Will you do it with me Ramona Drottoveo?' he asked in a hoarse voice. 'My thing is much bigger than Stiliano's.' A thump followed as Stiliano's boot met the seat of Ludovico's trousers behind the hedge. 'I've no time for boys,' replied Ramona. 'I need a man who knows what's what.' 'Then take me Ramona, please, I beg you,' came the voice of Papa Mamiliano, his head framed by lilac blossoms. 'I know what it takes to please a woman. Just give me the chance.'
A Gate at the Stairs
Lorrie Moore
I found this such a warm and often funny story - but how sad! As Tassie tells the story of Sarah and her devastating losses we also see Tassie's struggle to grow up and come to terms with her own tragedies. It is all told in the most perfect, beautiful prose - I had to slow down to savour each wonderful paragraph - and this made the tale somehow deeper and more poignant.
Extract
In the morning sunshine my parents looked cleansed of their reinforcing farm dirt. They looked translucent and a little frailer than they had even in the fall, when the black potato muck beneath their nails and the mud on their shoes and clothing seemed to anchor them to the earth. Now they could - and might - ascend in a shaft of light, for all I knew. I scarcely recognised them, as if they were only slightly animate in their holographic shimmer.
The Back Passage
James Lear
A wickedly irreverent and erotic take on the 1920s' English Country House Murder where no-one is quite what he seems but most are only too happy to be very demonstrably glad to be gay.
Extract
'He's ...'
'Yes?'
'Oh, God, he's ...'
What? Queer? About to get his dick sucked? Hung like a horse? Begging for it? 'What, Belinda? He's what?'
'He's'...'
By this time Morgan had rebuttoned his fly, done a decent (but far from perfect) job of concealing his engorgement, and staggered out of our cupboard.
... 'Oh Harry!' She teetered toward him. 'He's ...,dead!'
'Yes?'
'Oh, God, he's ...'
What? Queer? About to get his dick sucked? Hung like a horse? Begging for it? 'What, Belinda? He's what?'
'He's'...'
By this time Morgan had rebuttoned his fly, done a decent (but far from perfect) job of concealing his engorgement, and staggered out of our cupboard.
... 'Oh Harry!' She teetered toward him. 'He's ...,dead!'
Sexual Healing
Jill Nelson
A sex and shopping novel from the viewpoint of black 'sisters' in California. An unusual and funny take on the genre and a fascinating insight into the lives of black women today - expect a lot of very explicit sex.
Extract
'Mom. Lorenzo is suing me for alimony, do you understand? He wants me to pay to get away from him, even though he left me and I supported him while we were married.' My ears are standing up, there's a throaty growl in my voice, and I can feel the beginnings of drool forming in the corners of my mouth, but there's nothing I can do about it. Lorenzo always brings out the dog in me.
Benny and Shrimp
Katarina Mazetti
Treat yourself to this quirky romantic comedy, guaranteed to lift your spirits with its feel-good factor. It's the familiar 'women from Venus, men from Mars' plot, but told from both points of view, with a down to earth honesty and a refreshing absence of chick-lit smaltz.
Extract
What went on between us in the double bed was a little problematic and we tended to blame that on my sensually deprived childhood. Orjan did his best with the foreplay, but I stayed as dry as coarse sandpaper; we positively grated on each other.
While the Sun Shines
John Harding
Philandering lecturer - supposedly writing the definitive biography of his literary hero, John Donne - hits mid-life crisis. Hilarious and poignant in about equal measure but some sharp insights into the human condition added an unexpected edge.
Extract
'You realize you'll have to buy Mrs Thursby's husband a new spirit level?' Alison doesn't look up from the kitchen worktop where she has a couple of onions on the chopping board. She's holding a large Sabatier and picks up one of the onions to peel it.
'Why? There's nothing wrong with the old one.'
Thank God for beta-blockers, I tell myself. My heart scarcely skips a beat. This is the first time Alison has mentioned yesterday's incident.
'Apparently he says he doesn't fancy it after where it's been.'
'Why? There's nothing wrong with the old one.'
Thank God for beta-blockers, I tell myself. My heart scarcely skips a beat. This is the first time Alison has mentioned yesterday's incident.
'Apparently he says he doesn't fancy it after where it's been.'
Whatever You Want
Rachel Timms and Laurence Hayes
Join thirty-somethings Barnaby, Barbarella and their London friends on a hedonistic roller-coaster of fun, frolic and pure unadulterated smut. Follow their antics as they both try to find the partner of their dreams. This book is not for the faint-hearted or the easily offended. I thought stories with many endings were just for children. I've now changed my mind.
Extract
'Two minutes,' he cries with false astonishment after three minutes thirty-eight have elapsed.
More foot artistry and the blood is draining from other vital organs. Marc stops smiling and starts to concentrate. You remember guiltily that you should be biting your lip and realize that it must be part of this convoluted plan. If only Marc can get to four minutes he will save face and blame the Concorde flight for his under-performance. You can see Marc's concentration, but with gibbon dexterity, Astrid's foot unzips Marc's fly, finds little resistance from tight, thonged briefs and . . . enters the forbidden domain. Marc lets out a whimper of precious air.
The Patek Philipe registers five minutes.
'Three minutes, ladies and gentlemen, three minutes.'
Marc's erection is sucking away his life. Astrid's foot continues to knead, it's everywhere, and teasingly, nowhere. Like a she-panther on heat, she sits and gnaws her lip. And then . . . she stands.
But someone still kneads.
More foot artistry and the blood is draining from other vital organs. Marc stops smiling and starts to concentrate. You remember guiltily that you should be biting your lip and realize that it must be part of this convoluted plan. If only Marc can get to four minutes he will save face and blame the Concorde flight for his under-performance. You can see Marc's concentration, but with gibbon dexterity, Astrid's foot unzips Marc's fly, finds little resistance from tight, thonged briefs and . . . enters the forbidden domain. Marc lets out a whimper of precious air.
The Patek Philipe registers five minutes.
'Three minutes, ladies and gentlemen, three minutes.'
Marc's erection is sucking away his life. Astrid's foot continues to knead, it's everywhere, and teasingly, nowhere. Like a she-panther on heat, she sits and gnaws her lip. And then . . . she stands.
But someone still kneads.
A Guide to the Perplexed
Gilad Atzmon
This guide, if you are already perplexed, will thicken the mist. A raunchy life story, a very controversial view of Israeli politics and a look at the ridiculous in academia - this tale wizzes through it all. Expect some laugh out loud bits that you will not want to read in a public place.
Extract
Margarita, my first steady girlfriend in Germany, was of the inflatable variety. Inflatable loves have advantages that are not to be dismissed out of hand. As I did a lot of travelling in those days, from capital to capital, from hotel to guesthouse, from train to plane, it was very convenient carrying my loved one around with me, deflated and neatly folded in a suitcase. Beside which, my doll Margarita was exceptionally amenable. I never found myself trailing along behind her, weighed down by heavy bags in the course of an interminable shopping expedition.
My Best Friend Has Issues
Laura Marney
How to describe it? Bridget Jones's fat girl angst meets a Moll Flanders romp through the fleshpots of Barcelona. There's lots of flesh and most of the characters are completely potty. And throw in a pinch of Becky Sharp to get a feel for the scheming amorality of it all. The only blameless character is Juegita, the dog, and even she managed to get up the duff somehow.
Extract
I never found out what Lisa and Lauren really thought; we never talked about it, ever. But they blamed me, I know they did. I was the one wearing a skirt too short for a fat girl. I was the one who skulked home to wriggle out of the wet skirt and finish off the Doritos.
Adios Muchachos
Daniel Chavarria
Sex, death and cross-dressing combine in this blackly funny farce. An irresistible heroine takes on an amoral world and you will find yourself cheering her on.
Extract
When Alicia decided to become a bicycle hooker, her mother agreed to sell the ring that had been in the family for five generations. She got $350 for it, and for $280 she bought an English mountain-bike, one with wide tyres and lots of speeds, on which Alicia launched her hunt for moneyed foreigners.
Doctors and Nurses
Lucy Ellmann
If Eddie from 'Absolutely Fabulous' were to re-write 'Jane Eyre' for Mills and Boon the result MIGHT be something like this. Except that Lucy Ellmann also has some important points to make about being plain and unloved in the 21st century and a WONDERFUL way with capital letters and exclamation marks. Enjoy!!!
Extract
Dr Lewis decided that one day he would indulge in vigorous sexual intercourse with this woman, making use of the front bottom and the back!
For the ANIMAL in Dr Lewis wanted to PEE in exultation at having found a new nurse - he planned to work her like a DOG. The animal in JEN wanted to grab Dr Lewis by the scruff of the neck, haul him off to a corner of her den and EAT him.
There was a good deal of common ground between them.
For the ANIMAL in Dr Lewis wanted to PEE in exultation at having found a new nurse - he planned to work her like a DOG. The animal in JEN wanted to grab Dr Lewis by the scruff of the neck, haul him off to a corner of her den and EAT him.
There was a good deal of common ground between them.
To the Devil: A Diva!
Paul Magrs
Don't be fooled by the gentle story of wartime childhood that opens the book. Before you know it, it's built up into an orgy of over-the-top characters and fantasy plots. Paul Magrs has got an incredible imagination and has produced a funny, bizarre book that's an amazing mix of crime, TV soaps and celebrity life, with a few lesbian vampires thrown in for good measure!
Extract
'And next thing you knew, we would be up to all sorts of impromptu naughtiness. Just like it is on TV.'
'Well, wouldn't it be like that?'
Lance put his glass down. 'No. I'm not gay.'
'Yeah. Right.'
'Anyway. There's bigger things at stake this afternoon, than a little tumble in the hay with an overkeen barman ....'
'What's got you so worked up, anyway? Scared that Karla Sorenson's gonna take the limelight off you?'
Lance grew suddenly grim. 'No,' he said. 'I'm scared she's going to kill me and suck out all my blood.'
'Well, wouldn't it be like that?'
Lance put his glass down. 'No. I'm not gay.'
'Yeah. Right.'
'Anyway. There's bigger things at stake this afternoon, than a little tumble in the hay with an overkeen barman ....'
'What's got you so worked up, anyway? Scared that Karla Sorenson's gonna take the limelight off you?'
Lance grew suddenly grim. 'No,' he said. 'I'm scared she's going to kill me and suck out all my blood.'
Family Planning
Karan Mahajan
Nightmare scenario – your 16 year old son walks in on you and your wife having sex! Mr Ahuja has 13 children and this is just the first of the problems which beset him in this light-hearted comic novel which oscillates between his family and political life in modern day Delhi.
Extract
When they arrived home, Arjun ended their mutual brooding with a loud clang of the passenger door and jogged off toward the house. Mr Ahuja let it pass. The car was comfortable, its headlights fixating on the cracks in the driveway, the nocturnal chains of ants heave-hoing over hillocks of moss. Mr Ahuja adjusted his tired eyes to the squat off-white colonial house and his soaked collar to the rapidly-evolving tropical weather in the car. What a screw up. He was a fool to have waited so long to tell Arjun. To have waited till the point where his son had mastered the means, the vocabulary to hurt him back. Waited till the brink of his son's independence, offering this news like a parting shot.
Beware of God
Shalom Auslander
These short stories are shockingly funny. I laughed out loud at many of them. Be prepared for lewd, crude delivery and an entirely irreverent approach to orthodox Jewish customs and practice. Go with the flow for a glimpse of a very quirky world and some hysterically funny ideas.
Extract
And behold God spoke to Schwartzman late Tuesday evening, right in the middle of Leno’s monologue, saying, 'Make for yourself an ark, for you and for your entire family, for I have found you righteous in your generation.'
'Now?' asked Schwartzman. He had to be kidding. It was 11:50 pm on a week night - Schwartzman had an 8:30 with a client the next morning, a 9:30 breakfast with the head of his department and a shrink appointment with Dr. Herschberg at 11:00 which meant he'd have to catch the 6:00 am to Grand Central at the latest.
'It’s almost midnight.'
'Shh!' spat Mrs. Schwartzman.
Mrs. Schwartzman liked Jay Leno a lot more than she liked God.
'Now?' asked Schwartzman. He had to be kidding. It was 11:50 pm on a week night - Schwartzman had an 8:30 with a client the next morning, a 9:30 breakfast with the head of his department and a shrink appointment with Dr. Herschberg at 11:00 which meant he'd have to catch the 6:00 am to Grand Central at the latest.
'It’s almost midnight.'
'Shh!' spat Mrs. Schwartzman.
Mrs. Schwartzman liked Jay Leno a lot more than she liked God.
The Zafarani Files
Gamal Al Ghitani
Zafarani Alley, Cairo, 1974 has ordinary inhabitants: minor civil servants, pimps, idealists, harridans, but its men have all - except one - been cursed with impotence. Fast, funny and thought-provoking this is magical realism at its very best.
Extract
Realising that the cause was Skina's jealousy over her husband, a strange thought occurred to her. Would Skina be jealous over an impotent husband? Had she found the only man in Zafarani at last? Would she be able to cure her insomnia, her nocturnal shortness of breath, her tossing and turning? She would turn her attention to Qadusi from now on.
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